OASIS OF TRUTH: When the Blessing Becomes the Curse; Numbers 20:1-13

 

Have you ever read a piece of Scripture and felt that God was too harsh in His treatment — that your compassion was somehow greater than God’s?   Recently I felt like that as I read through Numbers 20 where Moses is punished for striking the rock twice.  For me, it’s not that he shouldn’t have been punished at all, but that not getting to go into the Promised Land just seems too “over the top.”  Wasn’t leading a stiff-necked people in the wilderness for forty years enough punishment in and of itself?

Perhaps it is my personal perspective that colors my thinking. The mother in me can readily relate to Moses. Often I have had to reteach lessons to own my children, or watch as they experience the natural consequences of their errors sometimes repeatedly.  My heart wants to save them from the ache, but my head knows that those tough penalties can do far more than protecting them from pain. People never learn from getting their own way, but they can really progress under pressure.

Here the Israelites are coming into the Desert of Zin.  The root of the term Zin means to prick, and meaningfully punctuates the tone of this whole account. The Israelites camp at Kadesh and there Miriam dies and is buried. Because there is no water, the people are in opposition to their leaders, Moses and Aaron. They question their commands, their motives.  I find it interesting that they call themselves the Lord’s people when they clearly resist the leaders the Lord has chosen.  But in full-force drama and manipulation, they cry out to the Brother-Leaders, “If only we had died 20 years ago at Kadesh,” a place where the rebellious were destroyed. They even go so far as to ask in verse 5, why had they had been even been brought of our Egypt at all. Obviously, they had forgotten the tyranny of slavery, the joy of freedom in the Lord and the Promised Land on the horizon? Leaks with the lash, onions with oppression, grapevines with chains. How quickly they forget.

Once again, the Israelites have come full circle to that same place which characterizes their pattern with God. Repent. Obey. Blessing.  Pride. Disobedience. Curse.  Repeat.

But don’t we do the same thing?  We have been set free from our sin, forgiven and offered a future in Heaven replete with its perfection.  And yet when things get tough in our freedom walk, we complain, we cry out to God, “Why?” My own egotistical and twisted self momentarily eclipses a loving God sacrificially nailed to a lowly cross for my own rebellious bent.  I start to believe my own lies?  Maybe I would be better off without an uncaring God’s control.  Let me return to my own old habits, my own way.  What’s the use?

But then that Cross that I had temporarily ignored becomes the center of my thinking, and the lens through which all comes into clear focus once again. No matter how harsh I think God may have been to Moses, he was no less severe with his Son. In fact, only Jesus took the FULL measure of God’s wrath for man’s sin –physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And He was without sin. 

Additionally, if we don’t have some examples of God’s high standards and His Tough Love approach, we wouldn’t appreciate God’s grace fully demonstrated in the New Testament–  the sacrifice Christ made on our behalf. Both God’s ultimate Love and supreme Justice culminate in that one sacrificial act.   Our loving God is equally just, and more importantly,  in His justice He is even more loving.

So how did this excellent Exodus Guy go wrong?  He was the avenue of blessing.  How did it all go so quickly south in a type of curse?

PROBLEM ONE:  Outright disobedience

The Lord must have felt a compassion for the Israelites, because after Moses and Aaron fall face down in the Tent of Meeting and the glory of the Lord appears to them, God plans on providing water for His people.  His instruction is clear in verse 8:  “Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together.  Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water.”

Moses takes the staff as was commanded, but instead of speaking to the rock, he angrily strikes it twice. Despite, Moses’ sin, water gushes forth, but only because of God’s goodness to the people.   Many times God had performed miracles for the Israelites through his servant Moses:  Ten Plagues, Red Sea Division, and His Law in Stone.

It is important to note that earlier in Exodus 17:6 at Mount Horeb, Moses does bring forth water from the rock, but only by striking it once. Even a slight infraction of this rule can have strong implication when looking through the grid of the gospel. Once is important to the Father when it comes to the Son. There must not be even a hint of contamination of God’s Holy plan. For Christ, the Rock of Ages, died once for all.  There was now no reason to turn to the Old Testament repetition of sacrifices.  Resultantly, God was trying to show that He requires full obedience so as not to compromise the forerunner’s miracle in meaning and symbolism compared with Christ at the cross.

The blessing becomes the curse when we do not obey exactly.

PROBLEM TWO: Pride

The Bible in Numbers 12:3 describes Moses as “a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth.”  But as we can see in the Scriptures, he eventually becomes full of himself, crediting the gift of water to himself and his brother.  Instead of acknowledging that God is the source of the water, he yells to the assembly, “Listen you rebels must WE bring you water out of this rock?” (Emphasis mine.)

If Moses being the humblest of men can be tempted to outright pride, we are all vulnerable to such sin.  It doesn’t take much when one is in leadership.  It is a two-edged sword of being given the privilege of leading in God’s power in the midst of the milieu of life forgetting who lifted you from the dregs.  As parent- leaders, we are also reminded that we must not discipline out of anger or pride, but humbly lead acknowledging that the power and ability comes from God alone.

The blessing becomes the curse when we obey with the wrong attitude.

PROBLEM THREE:  Idolatry

How easy it is to make a gift an idol in our lives. But this seems to be what happened in this situation at the rock.  The staff that God gave Moses was the vessel through which the miracles happened. So coupled with pride, the staff became the focal point in Moses’ Ministry.  The gift– instead of God is honored, protected, and idolized.

What initially was a blessing in the gift is now the curse because of its distortion and extortion.  I know this can be a real challenge even for Christians today.  Though we do not have staffs, long tresses of power, or the presence of the Ark of the Covenant, today we have Spiritual gifts and prayer that yield the work and power of God.  But I can attest to the ease with which we can place more focus on the gift instead of the Giver.  Thankfully the humility that comes with such a lesson, and peace that accompanies related repentance is so precious to us.  It keeps us effective and usable.

The blessing becomes the curse when we obey while idolizing the gift and not the Giver.

So upon final inspection at verse 12, Yahweh is both a loving and just God to Moses and his “desert charges” by loving them enough to set clear boundaries, providing for them in their journey and by showing that He is a holy God who can be trusted. What kind of parent is a truly loving one,  if he cannot be trusted to provide the consequences deserved for disobedience and growth?  Moses though not allowed in the Promised Land did see it before his death at Mount Nebo. More significantly, He will be in Heaven because of God’s Mercy and Grace through Christ. As A.W. Tozer reminds us, “Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those we once enjoyed or those we enjoy now.” We know that can be said for Moses. I pray it can also be said for us.

Weapons of Mass Distraction by Gina Stearns

                                                                            When my son Micah was a toddler, he would continually make this buzzing sound when he played that drove me completely insane.   The frequency of his repetitive “zhush-ing” seemed to run interference with my own sensitive brain waves, and rendered me paralyzed in thought.  Since he played a lot, I was always distracted and ultimately frustrated.  Lately I have been reminded of the dangers of feeling that way once again.

Recently I went to a yearly event at my church called THE WELL.  The topic this year was called “Change of Heart”, and boy did it!  It was at this extraordinary conference where I was able to come away from my daily routine and focus completely on Christ.

Uncomfortably still and irksomely quiet.

It was there that I allowed The Lord to show me areas of sin in my life—sin and its shadowy nuances that seem to comfortably reside in my mind where distractions prevent me from inspecting the real me.

The me I prefer to avoid.

It then occurred to me that a similar distraction is intentionally used by the enemy to reduce me to a stupefied and useless existence — even as a spirit-filled Christian woman. How does that even happen?

Conquering WMD’s

As I was thinking about the things in my life that the enemy uses as “Weapons of Mass Distractions”, I grew quite perturbed at how easily I could be carried away from the utter reality of a deceptive heart.  That interfering hum seemed less like Micah’s innocuous buzzing but more like those Sirens of Greek mythology.

As Homer would have it, these lovely songstresses would lure sailors, like the famous Odysseus and his men, off course with their intoxicating melodies. Without even realizing it, they would find themselves shipwrecked because the songs were so mesmerizing that they could not leave, did not know how. They could not think beyond the enchantment and were taken from their journey, and ultimately their life goals. For the Sirens were not only lovely lyrically, but deceptively deadly carnivores.

The enemy’s ploy is even more precarious as it prevents me from dealing with the things that keep me from a passion for Christ and being tuned into His Spirit and power.  I somehow forget because the song of sin and the distractions of this world are so similar to the Siren’s seductive and deadly songs.  The enemy loves to obscure the Truth to my destruction.

The Worldly Buzz

With even more ways to allow the World and its toxic messages into our eye and ear gate, via Facebook, Twitter, CNN, I-phones, I-pads, television, and radio — the rush of information is competing for that sweet small voice of God in our lives.  All of these evoke temptation and wooing of the World in alluring ways like the Sirens tantalizing tunes.

We can take some pointers from Odysseus himself.  First he asked his men to bind him and disregard any pleas for his own release.  He ordered his men to plug their ears with beeswax so they would not be seduced by the Sirens sweet, but deadly sound.  Though he heard their enticing words, he was tightly bound to the mast of their ship and could not respond. As a result, the men were able to escape the way of death and sail home with their leader in tow.

Likewise, we need to unplug on a regular basis.  Limit time on these avenues of interruptions in our thoughts and actions.  Like bound and fastened Odysseus, sometimes it may simply mean just keeping ourselves from the temptations that call out to us.  Leave the TV room, get rid of time-consuming games.

Put. The. Phone. Down.

Run to a quiet place to read God’s Word, pray or just be silent before Him.  As it states in Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.”

If we are going to be plugged in, plug into Jesus and listen to great music that reaffirms God’s presence in your life, listen to the Word on CD, or Christian Radio or Podcasts with solid sermons. Try those from my church at hickoryharvest.org under media.   Instead of watching TV, check out solid Biblical messages through YouTube as well. But even these good things can keep us from the best, so limiting that can be freeing as well.

How about trying something old school, and come away and read some excellent books. Remember books?

In fact two books that have confirmed what God is trying to teach me in my recent struggles may well worth your time.  Passion Cry: How Apathy is Killing the Church and How Passion for Christ will Revive it by Robbie Symons is where I actually found the term “weapons of mass distraction” and thought it was perfect for my blog title. But there is some rich and hard truth between the covers of that little gem.

Another excellent book on prayer that helps you understand The Enemy’s tactics and the importance of prayer is Fervent by Priscilla Shirer.  I highly recommended both, and I know the Lord will use these to bless, instruct, and challenge you while proclaiming Christ in a powerful way for His own glory.

Clutches of Comparison

Comparison, an offshoot of the worldly buzz, also brings its own forms of distraction from a distracted world.  And nothing can rob us of our joy, contentment, and peace like sizing our worth against another’s.  When we see what other people have, the vacations they take, the Facebook flashes, and Instagram instants, we become miserable and even question God in what he has provided individually for us. Even though usually content, I  must watch out for that!

Alternatively, if you see things that you wish you had, thank the Lord that He was gracious to provide that for that person, but also thank Him for working in your own life and providing those things you have needed.  Know also that the things that you do not have can actually lead you to a deeper relationship with Him.  Rest assured that you can learn lessons you would not have otherwise learned if your life appeared like the white picket picture of perfection you see in others’ lives. Ironically, those are just a twinkling in time.  They often do not include the horrendous history behind them.

Media just show us at our best in the moment, but rarely a real picture of us in the often.

The truth is, you do not always know what others are going through.  The Enemy would love for you to think you are all alone and abandoned by God, but 1 Corinthians 10:13 reminds us that we are ALL dealing with some struggle, some issue of life. And God has not forsaken us but will provide a way out.

Busyness:

Now I am not recommending that you live a slothful, idle life of not doing anything, but time MUST be carved out of our busy days to be still before God and His Word.  I am one busy woman, but I can tell you that the busier I am, the more I NEED to take time out for daily devotions.  If you need to break them into mini-meals or snack on the Word throughout your day, do so.  If you can sit and feast for longer times, you will find that also beneficial.  Not every day will be the same.

But protect your schedule as much as you can.  You may have to eliminate some lessons, sports, or clubs.  But you and your kids do not need to be in every extra-curricular event.  We limit our kids to one activity each that they would like to do. This is harder for me as I love to serve, but recently, the Lord has shown me that the enemy of the Best can often be the Good.

Lately my anthem has been the song “Breathe” by Johnny Diaz.  Here is a sampling of lyrics that I often sing to myself:

“Breathe, just breath

Come and rest at my feet

 And be, just be

Chaos calls but all you really need

 

Is to take it in fill your lungs

The peace of God that overcomes  

Just breathe So let your weary spirit rest  

Lay down what’s good and find what’s best  

Just breathe.”

WMD’s effects on Temptation and Unconfessed Sin

Have you ever noticed that at the moment of our greatest temptations, it seems like we are paralyzed and almost respond like Lemmings jumping off a cliff to our death.  Ironically, it is often after we have given in to the flesh, that we think of what we could have done to overcome that temptation. But, by then it is too late, and the consequences of that choice have already been served.

Over time if we submit to the flesh instead of the Spirit, it becomes more difficult and sin is an automatic response. That inducement like the Sirens intoxicating song leads to death.  As James strongly warns us in 1:14-15, “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”

The more we give into sin, the more its power over us grows, and not without some form of distraction or deception.” A friend who struggled with alcohol abuse once put it like this:  “The man takes the drink, the drink takes the drink, and the drink takes the man.”  Distractions seem to be most powerful in the first choice and more so in the ones that follow.  But by that final yielding, it is almost like we are powerless to even choose. Death is knocking at our door and we open without a thought.

But there is hope! Shut down the disturbance and interference.  Once we are able to rid ourselves of a good deal of the distraction, we will then be able to see the sin in our lives.  It is always helpful to ask God directly because like Psalm 51 points out, we often need Him to show us our sin. We are not quick to humble ourselves and see the darkness in our hearts. But the Lord is faithful to show us—the sins we are mindful of, sin that is hidden, and sin of which we are not aware. But if we are not still enough, it is likely that we will not ask frequently for that exposure of sins. Humble confession takes time and is such a critical part of this and it leads to a cleansed heart that God can now convict and use for his purpose.

Lack of Prayer 

I mentioned prayer earlier, but it is so important that I believe it deserves special treatment and distinction. For as Jesus reminds us in John 15:5b, “Apart from me, you can do nothing.”

One of the ways the Enemy distracts us is from praying and also from believing or understanding its importance.  I have to admit that for me, I have no problem feasting in the Word, and though I often pray, I struggle with fervency in my prayers.

In fact, I often believe the Enemy’s distracting lies– that I am not a good prayer warrior, or that God is not going to answer, or that I have no time to pray the way I want.  Some days, actually most days, I just need to have at it and intentionally pray the best I can.  I need to be specific, bold, and not let that Satanic Siren keep me from pressing into the Lord and praying with my whole heart.

Prayer is commanded so that God can show His glory, but I think prayer is mostly for me, so that I learn to surrender to His will, to change my affections from the things of this world or even the perceived successes of the church.  Instead it re-orients me to that which blesses Him and ultimately me.  It also helps to prepare my heart for the future “way out” that God promises in 1 Corinthians 10:1.

As I mentioned above, praying also exposes sin, but allows me a time to seek God’s forgiveness, and it can guard my heart and mind from the distraction that all the above bring.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillipians 4:6-7.

Don’t underestimate those Weapons of Mass Distraction, but never forget that He that is in you is greater than he who is in the world.  The Victory has already been won; we are just dealing with the enemy who has yet to be captured and his landmine leftovers. But with God’s help through His Word, surrender to the Holy Spirit, continually and fervently praying, we can actually look like the victors we already are.

Parent Like a Sous Chef by Gina Stearns

Perhaps it is because I’m Italian and preceded by a long line of excellent cooks, but I often tend to relate things back to food. My mom, grandmother and great aunts could concoct banquets that led one to gastronomical ecstasies. On the other hand, I never had that much interest in cooking, not the way they did.  I tended to cook to live, they lived to cook.  So it has been a bit of a learning curve for me to really create anything that quite compares with their dishes of delights.  In addition, my mother died before I was married and with her most of those amazing mental recipes as well.  I literally had to start from scratch, and that included a lot of head scratching.  I blundered more times than I care to remember, but I did not give up. Over the years, I have related parenting to the many lessons I learned in the kitchen.  I think we can see the many parallels between being a great cook and a good mom. Yes, even we can parent like a sous chef.

1. You are under the Head Chef: As I mentioned, when I first started cooking, I had little direction. But I started watching cooking shows and read many cookbooks. We need examples, wisdom, and knowledge in cooking just as we do in parenting. Afterall, we do have a Head Chef of sorts, Jesus Christ. “And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy” 1:18 The Lord gives us direction through the modeling of his son Jesus Christ. We also have His own special “cookbook”, the Bible to help guide us.  The Lord is a gentle teacher, but his instruction is essential as we look to the hearts of our little ones.  With the His help, the Scriptures and Holy Spirit we can prepare our kids for their place in this world and ultimately for Heaven.

2. You need a recipe. Every Sous Chef has a recipe from which to work.  You must have a goal in mind for training your child.  A blueprint for their special bents or talents.  Proverbs 29:18 says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keeps the law, happy is he.”  Although a good recipe can be tweaked with a pinch of salt or a bit more sugar, without the framework of the original recipe, it could be a disaster.  Pray and look to the Lord and His Word for His goal for your child.

 

3. Preparation: Good preparation for any meal is important.  The Sous Chef makes sure she has the proper ingredients. We cannot prepare from a sparse larder of supplies.  Likewise we cannot impart what we do not have.  Study and be eager and do your utmost to present yourself to God approved (tested by trial), a workman who has no cause to be ashamed, correctly analyzing and accurately dividing [rightly handling and skillfully teaching] the Word of Truth”, (2 Timothy 2:15 AMP).  We must spend time in the Word and we need to have the Holy Spirit’s help in producing the Fruit of the Spirit that we serve up to our kids as we model our surrender, obedience, humility, and joy.  Being informed through Bible studies, godly counsel, or becoming part of a mother’s ministry that encourages and instructs can serve to be invaluable.

 

4. Good Scheduling: Just like it is essential to have all the parts of the chef’s meal come together in a timely fashion, so too it is important to have a schedule that your kids can count on.  It really helps the child to have designated times of meals, nap-time, playtime, and bedtime.  Kids flourish in the predictable with a splash of surprise here and there added to make things interesting. Routine is important. The Sous Chef would never have cooked pasta waiting and drying out while preparing its special Alfredo sauce. A good plan can help produce that lovely well-coordinated meal.  Moms also know the value of a routine the art of meshing of regular activities makes for a smoother day. Remember the verse from Ecclesiastes 3:1 which states, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.”

 

5. Flexibility: One of the key characteristics of a Sous Chef is her flexibility with the various circumstances in her kitchen.  Things come up.  People change their minds. Food needs to be watched and can easily burn.  A variety of needs come up and yet the meal needs to get to the table with grace, flavor and flair.  Similarly moms must also be able to multi-task with love and intention.  We have our own fires to put out. If one is too rigid and expects everything to good perfectly, the flow of the day is ironically compromised. One of the signs of true Agape love is that “it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs,” (Corinthians 13:5).  Kids are even more dynamic than a restaurant kitchen. So breathe and ask God to give you the grace to anticipate and handle well the expectedly unexpected.

 

6. Patience: A watched pot never boils, every cook knows that. You cannot force rice to fluff, bread to raise,  boiling eggs to get hard.  Some things just take time, and some dishes take more time than others. Children are not much different. They take time to learn and apply the wisdom they have been given. I know that you may find yourself showing them the best way to load the dishwasher, make a bed, or replace the toilet paper rolls.  But hang in there. Galatians 6:9 reminds us: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” God has patience with you; reflect his goodness by having the same for them.

 

7. Cut things up: I know this analogy might be pushing it a bit.  But part of the wonder of delicious food is that it is broken up into smaller pieces. A chef chops, shreds, minces, grinds.  This releases the flavor of the vegetables, herbs and spices. It makes the food easier to chew and absorb more of the flavors.  Children like things in smaller bites too.  Lectures bore them. Instruction is better received in small lessons or life-relating instruction.   The Bible tells us in Isaiah 28:10 “For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.”

8. The Art of Caramelization: Caramelizing is the process by of browning vegetables like onions, to release a nutty yet sweet flavor.  It takes just the right amount of heat.  Not enough and you just have simply sautéed with little additional flavor, too much heat and you risk burning the food. A Sous Chef learns the delicate balance in “caramelizing” those onions.  One results in sweetness, the other in bitterness. When I think of disciplining or correcting my children, one must keep in mind that crucial balance of discipline in love. Colossians 3:21 says “Fathers, do not embitter (exasperate provoke, anger) your children, or they will become discouraged (lose heart).”

 

9. Serve humbly: I have the least to say about this because it is pretty clear cut.  But it is probably the most important part of parenting.  Nothing ruins a meal more than a cocky chef serving his fare.  His arrogant attitude contaminates the meal.  So too, keep your parenting filled with humility. We are reminded in Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”  Pride is toxic and destroys the sweetness of any relationship, but particularly the parent-child connection.  If you must boast, boast in Christ.  But serve humbly like Christ with a refreshing basin of grace along with the brisk rubbing towel of truth.

According to “Culinary Arts,” a training site for the Sous chef, it states, “The sous chef’s job is very rewarding, but it also requires a lot of passion, devotion, and perseverance.”  Yes, my precious moms, the same characteristics are also needed by you in raising those priceless gifts of God.  Do not give up. Like a lovely meal served at a fancy restaurant brings praise to the owner, so too our kids can be raised to bring Glory to God. That lovely presentation lasts for eternity.

The Leaf Whisperer by Gina Stearns

                                                                                                                    Privileged to take my daily walk in one of the most delightful neighborhoods in the area, I am especially taken by one particular property.  This piece of exquisite land belongs to Rudy and Linda.  The landscaping is stunning and showcases beautiful southern flora including yucca, dogwood and magnolia trees, Crepe Myrtles and Purple Jude.  Rudy and Linda are true southerners in speech and manners.  Warm, friendly, down-to-earth folk, they can grow anything.  I swear that instead of blood, a mixture of sweet tea and chlorophyll courses through their veins.

In his 70’s, Rudy was a landscaper for CAROWINDS years ago, and you can spot vestiges of his talent spanning his groomed grounds.  Linda is always hard at work alongside her husband and together they tend their yard before the high noon summer heat zaps their limited energy. You will see them tilling the soil, weeding, and planting seeds of delight into the terra-cotta colored soil of North Carolina.

When I first started walking in my neighborhood, I would stare at their yard and appreciate the seasonal fare that would blossom and bloom.  As time wore on, we would wave to each other.  Then one day, Rudy and Linda stopped and formally welcomed me to the neighborhood.  We chatted a bit about our past, what brought me to North Carolina and how much I loved it here.  As time wore on, Rudy would flag me down to show me some recent gardening project he was working on.

                 Never idle, he is always tinkering at some patch in his yard.  His garden is ongoing and never quite complete.  I believe this is the secret to his health, joy, and purpose. Sometimes I would listen to him as he would share the secrets of getting a surprise dogwood to remain hardy and blossom.  Other times he would instruct how to trim the Yuccas so that they would always look fresh and green.  He generously offered how he got special grass to grow that the nearby nursery said would never make it here in the South.  Rudy is an “old school” expert.  He knows to cut deep slits in the bark of a tree to stimulate growth and blossom.  He even shines the mysteries of gardening truth in his old brown eyes framed in tanned wrinkles.  Linda listens on in pride, nodding when she hears him expound on truth about his roses, how to shape creeping plants around a ceramic clam decoration, or the best method to trim a tree.  I know that if I had the time to sit at his feet and learn, he would not turn me down.  He has such joy sharing his expertise in gardening.  He is a master and I am an interested student. He is so knowledgeable and a magician at enticing growth from his garden that I have dubbed him— “The Leaf Whisperer.”

However the problem is me.  I am busy.  I am trying to carve out a tiny window of time for my walk, getting my cardio up to a fat-burning rate and hurry back home in time to start teaching creative writing or Latin, get a meal on the table, and switch my daily wash to the dryer.  I have a family that depends on me.   I have friends that want to meet up at the nearby restaurant, coffee shop, or have a homeschooling park day.  I have a church who is counting on me to teach children or lead women. Something has to take the brunt of my lack of time, and shamefully my own landscaping leaves much to be desired, small pun intended. I could really use Rudy’s help. But I often zip by his house sadly knowing the Leaf Whisperer’s time on this earth is short.

Yet, I am also acquainted with another Leaf Whisperer of sorts.  He is also a master at growing too, although His is Spiritual fruit.  Unlike racing by Rudy, I MUST make time for this Master Gardener.   For the garden He tends is me, and His voice whispers sustenance from the leaves of my Bible. It is essential to my spiritual life and development because “the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart, Hebrews”, 4:12. His Word helps me to see the weeds of prideful sin that need to be pulled.  His Holy Spirit administers germinating power of the Scripture I read which produces stronger roots in Christ and manifest itself in attitude, thought and faith action.  I am encouraged, inspired and challenged when I spend time with Him. Like Rudy and his garden, God’s work on cultivating me is ongoing until I am with the Lord in Heaven.

Often like Rudy’s yucca, I need pruning too. This is when the Lord gets rid of anything that is useless or withered that takes away from my testimony for Christ. On the other hand He sometimes painfully prunes me back like Rudy’s dogwood, so I can produce more or better fruit and flower. My Will might have scars, but my Spirit soars.

                                                                                                                              I admit I am pretty faithful with my daily devotions. I am too busy NOT to be in God’s Word. But how many times do I hurry through my reading just as I similarly traipse by Rudy and Linda? My prayers are quickly spoken without thought and intention.  I need to take time to allow the Word with the Holy Spirit’s help to nourish, renew my mind, and redirect me.  We cannot hurry through that quiet time with the Lord because OUR time here is short, and we need to be all that we can and utilize that time FOR Him.  Sitting, albeit kneeling, at the feet of the Master Gardener is the best way that He can shape us into the image of His own Son.  It is essential for our growth and all that we are to be.  The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”  Isaiah 58:11

Every worthy book I have read about parenting, marriage, witnessing, prayer, ministry methods, and success in the Christian walk ALL centers on the Word of God and developing your relationship with Him.  Spending sweet time with HIM is extremely crucial to all we are in Christ.  We waste much time on social media, cell phones, computers, television.  It has its place, but there is little good that comes of it.   However, the time you spend with “The Leaf Whisperer” will never be a waste and will produce fruit that will enable you to be all you want in your marriage, with your children, in ministry and your overall Christian walk.  The Holy Spirit will teach you many rich and wonderful things— just for you and your circumstance.  And it will not return void.  God wants you to share the Truth and live it the best you can.  Others are watching and listening.  “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs,” Matthew 10:27.  He whispers to you. Stop pull up a chair, open and turn the leaves of your Bible, listen and learn from Jesus.  Like my friend, Rudy, I just know He is waiting for you.

Free Indeed by Gina Stearns

                                                                                        It couldn’t have come at a better time, my teaching on Acts 16:16: “Paul and Silas in Prison”.  The Lord sends us just the right words when we need them most.  Recently I was mourning the loss of our freedoms in this country over the last decade or so, and more importantly the freedoms we will continue to lose. With all that has been happening in our country, how does one stay positive in a large class of K-6^th graders?  What hope could I give them for their own little lives? Then, while I was preparing this seemingly familiar lesson, I saw it. First it was a flicker of truth, and then it became a blaze of freedom burning in my heart.

We have made much of our freedom in America.  After all it came at a great cost.  Money, estates, lives:  Lives of soldiers from our motherland England, lives of the colonists who lived here, and lives of the Indians who lived on this land well before the Nina, Pinta and the Santa Maria’s discovery expedition.  It has cost much to keep that freedom as well:  Wars with other countries, civil wars declared and undeclared, wars on words and The Word. But a freedom which comes from some men can also be taken away by others.

So why was there so much hope in the historical account of Paul and Silas? As we read, Paul and Silas were threatening the economic, cultural mores, and religious control of the Roman Empire.  They threatened not with swords, not with new means of making the almighty denarii, not with more man-made myths, but with the simple truth — with the revolutionary Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Man’s deepest, most profound need has not been a better government, or improved ways to eat, drink, and make merry.  It hasn’t been in expanded methods to work harder and make more money.  It will never be more religion where we have to strive harder for transcendental progression that can never really be attained.  Our greatest need isn’t even food, water, a roof over our head, though those do help us to survive. But survival is not enough.  Our greatest need is freedom, but not the physical kind, the temporal kind, the man-made kind.  The greatest freedom we need is from our own sin.

Paul and Silas were offering just that in the beautiful Gospel of Jesus Christ that day in Philippi, a Roman colony founded by Augustus Caesar.   Rome didn’t like losing the control they had over the “sheeple” that believed whatever propaganda they were touting at the time.  So Paul and Silas were first dragged into the marketplace where many would be made to see Rome make a spectacle of them.  Make an example of Paul and Silas, so it would stop them and stop any others who would consider such dissension.

The magistrates, who were under Roman authority, ordered that they be stripped and beaten with sticks.  And they were.  But this is the part that made the wee little eyes of my class open wide.  They were flogged.  Flogging is an incredible method of torture insuring Roman control.  The instrument used to flog was whips with bits of bone or pieces of jagged metal, that when met the skin would cut into it deeper and in more ways than a single lash. The back of the offender would often look like hamburger meat after the minimum of 39 lashes met his skin.  Sometimes it would go on for longer, but usually 39 were all that was needed to produce near death.

So when Paul and Silas got thrown into jail, we never see any kind of retaliation, no resisting, no threats, no fighting, or depression.  In fact they exhibited the very opposite responses my students said they would likely give if put under the same circumstances. Paul and Silas most certainly could have put an end to their suffering.  They could have prevented it by simply sharing that they were Roman citizens, and as such, it would be illegal for them to be beaten, especially without a fair trial.  But they did nothing. They said nothing.

So why such resolve to remain like lambs to the slaughter — like the Lord that went before them eventually to hang on a tree of death that miraculously became the Tree of Life remade?   They were not mad, masochistic or even stoic.  Instead they exhibited something that far exceeds man’s attempts at suffering.  Theirs was supernaturally led by the Holy Spirit.  After being thrown into jail, they prayed to the one true God and sang. They prayed because they trusted and fully depended on God to use their pain for good.  They sang because though their backs stung from an array of stripes and gashes, they still had joy.  One cannot sing without even a hint of joy.  Only God can provide such joy in the midst of a dank, dark, dirty cell.  While other prisoners looked on, they sang because though shackled and chained, they were FREE—Free from their sins!

Then all of a sudden, a violent earthquake shook the prison walls. The doors flew open and the chains broke free.  Now one would think that Paul and Silas would have figured that the earthquake was an answer to their prayers so that they could escape. I would have assumed that.  But oddly they remained. They remained, because Paul and Silas knew the truth. They had eternity’s values in view:  the possibility of that one soul who would believe.

Freedom from sin gives one a whole different perspective on suffering. Their reactions would also be a testimony to the jailer and those on-looking prisoners too.  Though they were chained they were free from their sins, they had eternity with Father God and that God would use these circumstances to bring glory to Himself.  They also knew that though the jailer was on the outside of the jail apparently physically free, that instead he was invisibly shackled by his sin.  Sins of selfishness, pride, fear.  The disciples knew that the earthquake wasn’t for them; instead it was for the jailer.

So Paul and Silas stayed in jail instead of choosing the way of escape that anyone else would have swiftly taken. Escape. You cannot break free, you must be set free. We cannot escape our sins. They must be removed through the life and death of Jesus Christ.   But escape was on the mind and heart of the jailer. Because as soon as his senses came to him and he saw the door was open, he knew that’s what he would have done. His charges too, must be gone.  Like the jailer whose heart was without hope, death may seem like the only source of escape. So he immediately gets ready to plunge his sword into a fearful, cowardly heart to escape the long hours of torture with the whip or possible crucifixion to demonstrate to the masses what happens when you mess up on Rome’s account.

Now if that were you or me under such duress commingled with the miraculous, we might have allowed the jailer to kill himself justifying that this was yet another answer to prayer. However once again, Paul and Silas do the opposite. Their heartbeat is one that throbs with mercy and grace, for they know its greatest source.  Paul calls out to the jailer, “Do not kill yourself, we are all here.”

There is no real escape from sin, only a supernatural removal when one realizes the only way for them to be eliminated along with the chains that bind us to them, is through Jesus and his sacrificial work on the cross.  The jailer finally realizes this, by the kind and gracious response of Paul and Silas, and now the words overheard of prayer and the doctrine of salvation start to gel in his heart and mind.  He knows that he doesn’t need escape but freedom from his sin, and asks them, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

God’s guys answer, “Believe on the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, you and your household.” And that is what the jailer does, he repents of his sins and turns toward the Lord of Heaven, and trusts in Jesus Christ’s work that was done for him at Calvary many miles away in a city called Jerusalem.  It wasn’t good for just him but also for his family and servants.  So he takes Paul and Silas home to share God’s goodness to those he loves.  Out of a new-found compassion, he bathes the wounds of these kind men, and with a joy provides them with a meal.  It was the least he could do for those messengers of liberty.

True freedom is not the bellowing Braveheart brand of Freedom, because it wasn’t earned or acquired by our own efforts. We cannot go roaring, “Look what I did:  FREEEEDOM!”  Instead, it is the humble gentle whispering of freedom filled with deep tearful gratitude obtained not by man but by the man-God, Jesus Christ. So we compare the American freedom from tyranny with the Christian freedom from sin.  One is everlasting, the other can never be. Because as John states in 8:36, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

As Christians, we have made much of America, but we have not made much of Christ.  In fact often we have made more of America than we have of Christ. They have often become one in the same and they are most definitely not!  Empires have come and gone. Civilizations have come and gone.   And though it grieves me to say it, though I hope against all hope, America will also come and go.  But God’s Kingdom is here to stay for eternity.

Perhaps you are not in a physical prison, but you are fettered by fear, imprisoned by pride in your waxing intellect or prestigious position, or perhaps grounded by guilt.  Maybe it is a relationship that is not what you want, or a body whose health is waning, maybe life is not the fairy tale promised long ago.  But Christ offers something more valuable than all you think you may need or want.  The freedom from sin is the most prized freedom there is.  But you will not realize it until you surrender, until you seek His provision.  It wasn’t offered by man, but by God himself.

In addition, if you are in Christ and you do not know why you are suffering, you may be tempted to believe the lies of this world and all they say you could have – should have – would have.  We are mainly fed two scripts in this life.  The world’s lies, which say have it your way; you are autonomous.   This freedom provides short term satisfaction but eventually dwindles to nothing and leads to disappointment and even death. The other script is the Lord’s which He himself writes on our hearts of faith which says you can have freedom His way.  This freedom leads to endless satisfaction in Him and ultimately to joy, peace, and security. But it often comes at a cost. Paul championed this great truth of devotion and sacrifice in Philippians 1:21, “For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain.”  We can also hear his heartbeat echoed in the martyred missionary, Jim Elliot who said, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.

We all know that life is filled with some kind of suffering:  suffering for your sinful choices or pruning that comes from the Lord to grow our faith and develop His purpose for our lives.  Dear fellow struggler, drink of this blessed assurance that a long line of men and woman gladly suffered for their Savior’s name.  Paul and Silas were tortured.  Christ was crucified.  God’s grace and mercy are there for you, because maybe, just maybe, someone is watching you– watching how you respond to pain, disappointment, and hardship.  They will want to know of your hope, your joy, and your peace.  For that one soul who comes to the Savior it is a gift.  It is possibly for you, but it is absolutely for the glory of God.   You and I are privileged to suffer for His true freedom.

As a humble writer of a simple blog, I want you to know, my friend, that we are all deserts awaiting the touch of God to daily transform us.   It is my deepest prayer that for those who are shackled to their sin, that they would receive the freedom that comes from repenting of that sin and placing our faith and trust into a God that gave it all through His son, Jesus Christ. And for those who follow Christ, no matter the suffering — we will all be not just deserts, but Deserts like Eden pointing to the Grand Oasis, our Lord Jesus Christ.  Drink deeply of His Grace because you, like the jailer, are free indeed.

Darth Daddy–Father Friend by Gina Grillo Stearns

                                                                                Recently, my last few blogs have presented a harsh view of my father, Frank Grillo.  Although there were times that my dad was abusive and severe, I believe with all my heart that he totally deserves my honor and an opportunity to share my praises.  If we vilify such a parent, we run the risk of losing sight of some pretty extraordinary qualities, some of which we naturally share.

Not only had my dad made some very bad mistakes in his life, treated my mother poorly, and disciplined us in rage, he seemed to have lost his way altogether.  Like Anakin Skywalker there was definitely good in my dad.  My mom saw it; she fell in love with him because of it.  But Life is hard, filled with some unsure footing and heart-wrenching experiences. Sometimes it produces a Darth Vadar.  Perhaps you, like me, come from a home with a tough father or a broken home where he abandoned you for what he thought was better.  It hurts, I know.  Below are some things the Word of God would have us do despite our parents’ faults, and even ours.  Yes my dad could have chosen right, and I am not excusing or ignoring his behavior.  Instead I suggest like me, you do something much greater:

Forgive your dad.  (Eph. 4:32, Luke 23:34, Pet. 2:22) He is just human.  Though it does boggle the mind how someone who has the potential to be your hero turns out to disappoint you in his frailty.  Remember that forgiveness is the heart and beauty of the Gospel.  God forgives us of the sins we have committed in our humanity by giving us the only true Hero-Savior, Jesus Christ.  If he forgives us, we can forgive others, especially our fathers.

Forgive yourself.  (1 John 1:9, Ez. 18:19-20)  Your father’s actions are not your fault.  You will most certainly make plenty of your own mistakes.  You do not need to bear your father’s as well.

Remember and be grateful for the things that Dad did right. (Phil.4:8, 1Thess. 5:18)  I actually remember some incredibly wonderful times with Daddy.  One of my favorites was one Christmas when my dad held me in his lap and we just calmly stared into the Christmas tree silently enjoying a tranquil light show complete with tender discussions of the importance of the season. I was cozy in my flannel pajamas and silver quilted robe.  My dad held me and then as was his nature, he began to preen my cuticles with one of his workshop instruments.  Gently he rounded my tiny nails pushing back the skin.   I can still feel the sensation of his care and even remember the steely smell of the tool he used to trim away my many hangnails.

I also remember fishing trips with my dad.  I know that he really wanted a boy, and he could have easily left me behind with my mother.  But I loved the adventures my dad often invited me to join.  We would drive many miles to a place called Shongo near Wellsville, NY where we waded through a river to a little Island.  There I used my casting rod and baited whatever I found.  My dad taught by his example not to be afraid of worms, crayfish or grasshoppers.  I rarely caught any fish, but I loved to watch my dad’s fly rod caressing the waters with rhythmic strokes. It was there that I felt my father was at peace. It seemed that the tranquility of the lullaby stream kept his tormenting demons away.   Around this time, he even taught me to tie flies.  He wasn’t always patient, but he did believe I could learn it.  And I did.  In fact one of the ones I made landed him one of his largest catches.  He was quite proud of me then.

My father had a great sense of humor.  Frank Grillo was exceedingly charming.  His eyes would sparkle when he was toying with an idea, sharing a joke, or executing a plan.  My Josiah often reminds me of his grandfather when he is sharing his music, an idea, or some aspiration.  They would have made some pair performing similar silly antics.

Daddy’s smile was warm and rich.  I could see why my mom was attracted to his looks, his wit and his strong personality. One of my favorite memories of his comedic offerings was when he would take a blanket, sing a little vaudeville tune, and lower the blanket. He would secretly lift a leg from view, and then raise the blanket to expose the magical disappearance of his limb.  Up and down the blanket went.  He loved to make people laugh.  We did.

I was also influenced by my father’s view of God though it was not borne out until much later.  He had many issues with our denomination, and couldn’t figure out why we had to confess sins to a priest when we could easily go directly to God.  He would also say, as he opened his Bible, why we couldn’t just read it and go by what it said versus what the church demanded.  Though I am not sure if my father was saved, it was that very attitude that led me to the same conclusions.  He unknowingly paved the way for me to meet the Savior and His Word later in life.

Celebrate the similarities and gifts you inherited from him. (Prov. 15:15, Jam. 1:17)  As you know from reading “Shattering the Image of Perfection,” I inherited my dad’s perfectionism tendencies. It has not been easy, but I have tried to strive instead for excellence and leave the rest to my perfect Savior.

In addition, my father was very creative and artistic.  He was a self-taught pianist, drummer, and guitarist.  I cannot hear the Bee Gee’s “Words” without thinking of him. I also recall his strumming and singing, “Moon River,” or “That Lucky Old Sun.” Unfortunately, I did not get the musical talent to the degree that he possessed, but I passed it on to many of his grandchildren.

Daddy was extremely articulate and spoke with such authority; you just had to believe him.  I also inherited that gift, along with his wit which has aided in my teaching, speaking, and writing.  Like him, I am a thinker, always ruminating on some notion.  My mind does not really turn off for long.  I will actually wake up in the middle of the night and write in my head.  Daddy often complained that his mind would not stop either.  It is the curse of the creative bent we share.

In addition, I have my dad’s wavy hair, his brown eyes, short legs and his hands.   I also acquired his chipmunk cheeks that I believe he got from my grandmother. At times I have my mom’s smile, but often I see my dad’s too. A harmonious marriage on my face.

Life may have treated dad harshly.  His past might shed light on his heart.  (Jer. 17:10, 1 Sam. 6:17, Rom. 8:28)  As I was reminiscing with an older cousin about my dad and how harsh and angry he could be, my older cousin explained that some of that came from having an extremely cruel father himself.  She reported that once when my dad was young and had done something wrong, my grandfather retaliated by taking an ax to an old piano my father delighted in playing.  When I was able to fully process this, I translated the passion my Josiah has for piano and then tried to imagine his response to such destruction of his beloved set of ivories.  Then my heart broke for my dad.  A tearful catharsis of understanding and even greater forgiveness occurred.  There was so much more about my dad of which I wasn’t aware.  Only God knew his heart.  At least my dad never purposely destroyed a treasured possession because I disobeyed. He had done better than his father!  I will try and do better than him too.

Remember your dad’s best words.  Remember, also, the Lord’s. (Mt. 28:20, Josh. 1:9)  Probably my dad’s best words were his last to me.  My father’s death is a mystery to me.  Did he give it up, or was it taken?  I may never know.  But his last words to me were simply this.  “I love you, Gina.  Never forget it!”

Jesus last words, speaking for the Father and himself, had a similar tone in Matthew 28:20b, “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”   Both comments have been a balm to my heart during different times of difficulty.  I know that someday I will see my heavenly father, but I pray I will also see on Heaven’s shore the man I called, “daddy.”

We have all we could ever want in our Heavenly Father so pursue Him and his Gospel Grace.  (Ps. 145, Ps. 23, 2Pet. 1:3, Is. 43:18-19)  I was reminded recently that God functions with two characters.  They may seem opposite, but in actuality they beautifully complement each other.  God is Creator, Law-Giver, and Judge — worthy of our respect and fear. He is above us in authority, intelligence and power.

However, God is also our sacrificial Savior, nurturer, and friend encouraging me to the end.  Though I no longer have my father with me, my heavenly father is always with me and all my father could not be and more. God makes up in big ways where our fathers lacked.  I pursue his loving lap and allow his Grace to sustain and guide me.  I look to his words to cut away the cuticle of my crusty heart.  It is there that I find the truest and best love.

Honor your Father.  (Ex. 20:12)  When I look back at my dad, I do actually see a weird blend of those two characters of God. Yes he often punished me, sometimes a bit extreme.  But this same man spent hours doing therapeutic leg strengthening exercises when my leg was burned. He would take time to teach, correct me, and love me in his own special way. He simply did the best he could in this fallen world. Though in his humanity he made many mistakes, my father loosely reflected the character of my heavenly father.  If my father were here today I would sincerely thank him. In retrospect, Frank Grillo didn’t do so poorly after all.  Because of God’s Grace to me, Daddy definitely deserves my honor not only on Father’s day but every day.

Part Two: The Hope of an Approval Whore by Gina Stearns

                                                                                    You might be wondering why I honestly share all the excremental slurry from my life.  But the more I expose my heart, the more I can expound upon my HOPE.  And that hope is in the Lord Jesus Christ and the precious Gospel.

At my church, the mission statement is summed up in three words, “Gaining Gospel Progress.”  I really like that!  I know that when we hear the word progress we often think that it means sharing the Good News so that others can come to faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ…in essence so that the Kingdom of God increases in number.  While it says in Mark 16:15, that we are to “Go into the entire world and preach the gospel to all creation”, it is also commanded in Matthew 28 to “make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.”  That means not only is the Gospel spread out to all people, but that the Gospel truth is also supposed to burrow deep into the roots of each quickened heart.

As I mentioned in the previous blog, the Gospel is not just good for the day of our salvation, but it is necessary for our further growth and sanctification in Christ.  That is what I have come to learn and have experienced over the last several years, despite my emphasis on law-keeping and seeking the approval of man.  As one theologian once expressed, “One can be addicted to either lawlessness or lawfulness. Theologically there is no difference since both break relationship with God the Giver.”  The Gospel: repenting and placing my faith in Christ’s crucifixion, death and resurrection is the only cure. Sometimes that remedy must be administered repeatedly, not for salvation, but for sanctification. Rooted in Christ, the Gospel poultice can be applied in many ways.

1. Gospel Reality

What I have come to appreciate about the Gospel is that its truth still withstands the reality of who I am.  Though I am converted, redeemed, and saved, I can keep it real with my Savior and my God.  That is one of the comforts of my salvation.  I am not kept by my perfect record, which is non-existent.  I am kept by Christ’s.  Striving to gain God’s approval has ceased, and that is real good news for the perfectionist, approval whore that I am.  It is still good news even if I forget all that too, because the Lord will cause me to return to that truth.

I remember in my old small group one of the men often called me, “ Little Miss Can Do Know Wrong, ” and though I think to some degree he meant as a compliment of my sincerest attempts at being obedient, it fed the prideful part of my heart that wanted to so badly to live up to that title. But in reality, I cannot.  I am more like “Little Miss Muff It Up”.  Even on my best days when I am not challenged to the uttermost and then appear better than I really am…I still know that deep down I have a long, long way to go.

The beauty of the Gospel is demonstrated by the fact that God still loves believers despite their sin because He has chosen to forget it.  Though it is forgiven at salvation, continued sin needs to be confessed not to re-attain that salvation, but to restore our fellowship with our Heavenly Father.

Nothing surprises our Father either.  He knows our hearts even better than we do.  I think that if He allowed us to see just how evil they really are, that much sin exposure foiled against His pure holiness could kill us.  But God’s grace is real even as He gently shows us our sin.  He only allows us to see it one small frame at a time, not the whole movie of our idolatrous hearts at one sitting.  Even if the devil would love to promote the world wide release of what he thinks would be a box office hit, “The sins of Gina Stearns”, my Lord and Savior has already seen the premier viewing.  The good news is that He still loves me. Yes, I am the one He died for– the snippets that I dare see and the deep roots of idolatry that He knows all too well.  The reality is that I am His.  Now.  And Forever.

2.Gospel Rest

As a result, whether I have had the worse day of my life feeling distraught and ready to give up– or I have had a “good” day of obedience often leading to sinful pride—at the end of the day, I am still covered in my white nightie of Christ’s Righteousness.  When I got saved, I came to God with nothing good, and I can continue to rest heavily on the Gospel Truth, no matter how that day culminated.  Since I am in Christ, it means that He took my lifetime of sin at the cross– the horrid box office hit and all its seedy sequels.

In addition, my righteousness nightie is embroidered in with His perfect record.  Not only do I not have sin on my record, but in fact, it states that through Christ, I fulfilled all the Law, perfectly. That’s how God sees me.  As a perfectionist that gives me greatest rest, the kind mentioned in Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”    Again we see the Gospel Rest in Hebrews 12:1-3.  We need to keep fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith.  For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.  Thus at the end of the day, I can and do sleep well.

3.Gospel Power

So is there any hope for me if I try to do right and then fail or have mixed motives? After all it does appear pretty impossible. But with God, all things are possible and that is the key—“with God”. The problem is that we try to perform out of the flesh, usually because we are trying to impress God or others.  Hypocrisy is not appreciated by either.  Yet, if we are already saved, then we are already approved by the Lord, and can rest in that assurance, no matter what others think. A pure motive can stay intact because then we are serving out of motivation based on God’s love for us and resultantly our love for him. It isn’t because of fear or pride, but a devoted heart.

In addition, I have often taught, that the real work of the Christian is not more striving, more doing, more performance, but simple surrender. When the white flag goes up, Christ exchanges it for a purple flag of Victory.  Through surrender, the Lord can have reign over our hearts and in our lives through the power of Holy Spirit.  It will be seen in our thoughts, attitude, and actions.  But it cannot be willed into existence or faked. It occurs only when we are utterly dependent on the Holy Spirit’s reign.  From there, we can appreciate His many gifts and pleasures:  the gift of repentance, delicious feast on the Lord’s precious Word, opportunities to use His gifts to build up the church, the yield of genuine fruit that helps us in gaining Gospel progress.

4.Gospel Freedom

When Jesus came upon the harlot, Mary Magdalene, she was in the throes of sin that according to Jewish law required her to be stoned.  This Easter as I contemplated my whore-ish connection with her, I was overcome by Jesus’ compassion on her.  With His authoritative command of the Word, He was able to dispel the crowd of accusers.  He reached out to her in total love and rescued not just her body, but her mind, soul, and heart.  Forgiveness was her greatest need and so too it is ours.  She surrendered in the sea of sand, lowly before the King of King’s sandals.  He reached out to her, lifted her up in every way.  “Go and sin no more,” for then her shackles were broken and she now had the power to make that choice.  Jesus, the King, the Messiah, Lamb of God gave to her that day:  Gospel Reality, Gospel Rest, Gospel Power and Gospel Freedom.

Despite the promises of the world, the devil, or our lusty, loud flesh, salvation comes only one way.  It will take surrender, repentance and belief.  But it must be IN the only one who is capable to receive it.  Only through the cross, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ can we experience Gospel Progress which is powerful enough to redeem the whore in all of us. It is not just good news, it is the best news! And despite our Hearts, it is our only HOPE.

Part One: The Heart of an Approval Whore by Gina Stearns

Part One:  The Heart

All of my life I have sought the approval of anyone worth the attention. Sometimes I even accepted it from the not so worthy. When you are a tramp for adoration, you take it where you can get it. If you have read my recent blog on perfectionism, you might be able to understand the motivation for wanting it.  But the underlying root is much deeper and precarious.  It is my own selfish desire to be accepted, loved, and admired— and dare I say it, ugh–worshipped.

As previously mentioned, it probably started when I was not readily given approval by my dad in the way that I wanted, but the desire for acceptance grew to include teachers, friends, and family.  My need for striving was also aided by a church denomination steeped in tradition and religious rituals that erroneously focused on works to gain the approval, love, and salvation of God.

When my dad left our home for greener pastures, it became an obsession to perfect myself to achieve all I could. I had to prove that I was not the reason for his rejection, mainly because deep down I thought I must have somehow contributed to it.  The scholarships, academic leadership positions, and honors were just vehicles to acquire my frequent helping of admiration and honor I so deeply craved. Now I am not saying this is the motivation for others to do well in school and achieve professionally, but it most definitely was for me.   The more difficult it was to attain approval, the harder I worked at it.   Who could NOT love nice, little ol’ people-pleasing me?

But it didn’t stop there. It even spread to a distorted view of myself.  The irony of the fact that I thought I wasn’t good enough was also driven by a heart, proud enough to think that somehow I could be. As a result, I wanted desperately to control what people thought of me. The areas that the world valued also helped shaped what I strove for:  I could not be thin enough, pretty enough, or smart enough.

At an early age I even sought to have what I thought was the perfect body. The perfect weight like the 100% on a test would be the goal on a scale of 100 lbs. So I dieted constantly and worked out to somehow fulfill the world’s view of beautiful. All the rules of diet and exercise did nothing to change my heart; it never conquered the insecurity in me.  Instead it increased my self-absorption.  I had bouts of anorexia, and was always attending to my looks in some way or another.  I loathed my crazy, curly hair, my short legs and flat, but curvy hips. Even ending up at 94 pounds never brought me comfort, rest, or relief from my inner turmoil.  My obsession proved futile even as an ever greater impetus for improvement would soon taunt me.

My desire for adoration was at its height when my first husband rejected me.  I did all I could do to win him back, but it was totally in vain. As a result, I was a hopeless wreck.  But within a year something more life-changing had happened. Hope came along through some Scripture from a book given to me by a praying, faithful neighbor.  It was Ephesians 2:8-9 which energized my weary soul, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.”

That was a real balm to an achievement junkie like me.  I, for once, did not have a plethora of flowery words, but just prayed a whispery yes to that saving faith. From that moment, on February 19, 1989, Jesus took over my life, and my journey of true love and acceptance began.

Happily, for the first time, I found a love for which I did not have to work. In fact if I could somehow attain it, that would negate the sacrificial work of Christ on the cross for me.  The message of religion is –work for your possible salvation; the message of the cross and a sure gospel relationship is — Jesus ALREADY did it for me.

Ironically, at a time when I was doing all I could do to gain back the leftover love of one man, I was not required to DO ANYTHING to have the complete Love of the God-man, Jesus Christ.  I was also especially drawn to the last part of that verse, “that no one can boast”. Ouch!  I knew myself.  If I could attain a right standing with God, I may not boast of it myself, but I would certainly yearn for the praise and honor I would get from Him and others.

Thankfully that was not the case, both for Christ or me.  Here was my hope, the very spark of change.  It didn’t come from me at all. The moment arrived when my striving, fearful heart was able to rest.  At a time when my world was falling apart, I found truth, harmony, and joy. Paradoxically, through flying the flag of surrender to Him, I had victory.

It was a wonderful honeymoon for the Lord and me, as I grew to depend on Him and not myself.  But soon the respite and peace became overshadowed by the greatest enemy of the God’s gospel gift and that was me, through my fleshly desires. It is true that I had been discovering so much about the Lord and myself.  I constantly studied and memorized the Bible, –all that I was supposed to do.  I was a geek in school; now I was a Jesus geek.  It worked for me.

In addition, it was the means by which God continued to help me to grow and change, but not without an inner tension that seemed to nag at me.  One would have thought the new Spirit I received at Salvation would have immediately destroyed my attraction to other’s approval.  But that root was deeper and more mysterious than even I realized. Subsequently, I now found a new way to strive, a new means to perform, and that was Christian Discipline.

Now I mean no malice, but please allow me to be honest, yet charitable to the Body of Christ. You might understand or perhaps even relate—but if there is one place that an approval whore can really get her fix, it is in the church. Isn’t it good to read and study the Bible, serve, pray, and be there all the times the doors are open?  Are we not supposed to be kind, giving, and long-suffering?   Are we not to commend those that do?  Do. Do. Do. Give. Give. Give. Smile. Smile. Smile.  The Harlot’s Bag of tricks is not much different than the genuine expressions of Christ’s work in us.

Oddly, this disparity multiplied within me the older I grew in Christ.  Though I obeyed out of love for Christ, a new battle had sneaked up to attack all the good that God had done in me.  I am ashamed to admit, but I seemed to yearn for a new source of approval, this time from my Christian brothers and sisters.  It messed with my motive. Was it about Christ, or was it about me?

The lust for approval intensified over time as I was complimented and encouraged from my own Sunday school teachers, pastors, spiritual mentors and eventually students. God was working in me, but somehow I was also tricking myself into thinking some part of it was me.   I was becoming proud of how I dazzled them with what God had taught me.   As God equipped me to teach, write and speak, I began to hunger after it even more, symptoms of the glory glutton that I was sadly becoming.

Simultaneously, I was further drawn to Legalism and proving my salvation. The Letter of the Law and keeping it perfectly became my safety net. A safety net for my sure salvation? Wait! What?  I knew that I was saved and sanctified by grace, but the war inside was leaving the shrapnel of confusion in my life and the lives of those around me.  My fear of what others thought even affected how I raised my children.  I sought their good behavior because it brought me kudos from friends and family.  As a result, my parenting became more about the letter of the law and not the spirit of it. This looked nothing like the grace God showed me.

Despite the mercy I had received on that sweet February day in 1989, I was looking to performance- based sanctification without the influence of my gospel-laden life and spirit-driven motivation that God had originally provided me.  Often the counterfeit glaringly sits among the authentic—even within one heart. Regrettably, I could not even see it.  This same blind heart would even lie to me about my own blindness (Jeremiah 17:9).  Yet my years in the Word reminded me of the words of Matthew 6:24, “You cannot serve two masters.  You must love one and hate the other.  Can I add that the war between the two leave the heart in total destruction. The nuances of hypocrisy in my blind, warring heart wore me out, leaving me devastated and full of self-loathing.

Without skipping a beat, Satan had also planted landmines of lies there that I haphazardly triggered as I compared myself to others or recalled past failures.  It left me in a spiritual heap on a field of desolation.   Strangely, the harder I tried to keep the law, the more judgmental I also became.   I was torn apart, weary, ugly knowing that I was serving from pride.  There was and is only one cure for such “cardiac arrest” and that is sweet, liberating humility seen in the ultimate expression of Christ’s own humility at the cross. Consequently, humility’s greatest work is seen in a repentant heart.  And mine was. That repentance resulted in a mission to seek forgiveness from all who had seen or tasted my toxic heart:  my husband, my children, my family and the ladies whom I had taught.

God continues to expose and uproot the idolatry of my heart.  I am learning to cooperate on the weeding work He is doing.  Slowly and gently the Lord shows me that the Gospel isn’t just for my initial salvation, but essential to the joy and success of my sanctification too.  Constantly revisiting it helps me to keep my motive pure and refreshes me to follow Christ with great expectation, faith, and acceptance.  Recently I was reminded that The Gospel whispers to me that God doesn’t want me to do more; He wants me to love more, especially Him. It must be about Him and not about me, and I am learning to hate my zeal for man’s approval.  God’s approval is all that I truly want and need, and I already completely have that in Christ.

Why must I honestly share all the excremental slurry from my life?  The more I expose my heart, the more I can expound upon my HOPE.  And that hope is in the precious Gospel.

(Next time, we will look at part two of the “The Heart and Hope of an Approval Whore— The Hope”. In it, we will see how the Gospel plays out in the many ways that she is being refined and redefined.)